Walk On

My Hope

2008-03-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been going through doubt after doubt, question after question. What is it that I believe? How can I truly believe this or that? Why is it so hard? I asked Eric the other night..."What do you truly believe about Jesus?" My question had been simmering in my head for a while, looking for an answer, looking for a hope. I'm doubtful these days, wandering in a land very foreign to me. But I have enjoyed that new land. I'm learning things about myself, about the thoughts within me, about the Universe, about how to not identify myself with my egoic thoughts. I like it. It stretches me though and takes me to places I have not been. Some would say it is dangerous, that I am playing with fire. But I find a peace within myself that I have never known. I find that just because it is not labeled Jesus, doesn't mean it isn't the presence of Peace that passes all understanding.

I come back to the question of what I believe. I listened this morning to a sermon by Rob Bell. It was the Easter service and the talk was on the resurrection. Resurrection is something I am not understanding these days, doubt has crept in and skepticism. Bell spoke beautifully on the subject. Here are some paraphrases:

History is heading somewhere
God will not give up on you-The God who began the work of creation in the universe and in you will carry that out to completion.
There are brief moments when the Universe is good-glimpses of what is to come
Resurrection is about hope- no matter how bad it gets - even this at some point is going to change

Resurrection is the belief that no matter how bad or how dark or how long it has been since you have seen anything on the horizon...it is the belief that at some point you will see land. All of creation will see land.

It is the belief that God has not given up on this world. It is loved, it will be rescued, it will not be abandoned. I want to jump into a faith that no matter how bad things are, no matter how fragile, at least I will have hope. Resurrection says that there is always hope.

Resurrection is the belief that the impossible is possible.

Is your world view open or closed? Is it big enough to encompass the impossible? Does it leap into the biggest bucket full of hope that says this world is being redeemed, that the ugliness will be wiped away. Does it include a hope of change?

I have wondered the past few weeks why I still hold on to my faith. Why do I still bother to listen to sermon's or to pray? I found today what is making up the strong strand of hope that I am fastened to.

The strong strand includes a world view that encompasses the most beautiful things. Love, peace, joy, redemption, all things new-these are the things Jesus taught, these are the things being resurrected. I believe in this particular world view because I want to hope. I want to hope that it is possible that this world could be beautiful again. I will not let go of the Jesus story because it has a happy ending. I believe in Jesus because there is HOPE. I have questions, I have doubts, but I know now why I just will not let go...this story is for everyone, and everything here on earth, and that is something I want to believe in.

Pee in your pants laughter

2007-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight as I relaxed and finally cleared my head to pray I asked for a really funny thing. It just felt right to ask for it. It was like it was what I was supposed to pray for tonight...pee-in-your-pants laughter. That's what I prayed for. It felt so right and true and was the only thing I really prayed for.

I think my most memorable are from my friendship with Heather. Specifically the times we would go sledding and she would fall on top of me..and we would die laughing...so fun. I did pee in my pants a couple of times...seriously.

Why is it hard for me lately to have that kind of laugh? What has happened? Do I not find things funny or joyful anymore?

What if my life was more full of pee-in-your-pants laughter? I think I would have a different outlook on life. Through the tears and the wet pants I think I could handle the daunting days at work and the struggles of figuring out what to do with my life. Don't you think it would somehow be better? I want that. I don't want to look back and just not be able to remember the last time I had a pee-in-your-pants laugh. Its sad really, the last time is a distant memory. So sad.

So I'll keep praying...

Agape

2007-11-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

Love
How do we know we are truely loving? It seems lately that knowing what TRUE love, from your heart, is and feels like is a deep sorrow within me. We are reading Sex God by Rob Bell and one part talks about Agape. I've heard the word since I was a little girl, but somehow, after reading the chapter I am at a loss. Agape is the Love. The Love that doesn't ever stop. The Love that gives no matter what. The Love that is unconditional. A Love that I not only don't know how to give, but believe that I have not accepted either.

I don't know how to give it because it is hard to give. When things are hard for me I run or actually, maybe I stop running. I quit. I turn or I half ass it. It is so hard to love my mom right now. In fact I am angry and bitter at both of my parents. I think of Agape and I say, no way, this is too hard. Or take Eric. Wow! Do I love him so much. But sometimes, I find that the love I give him is conditional. During those times, he doesn't meet my expectations, and I am angry, bitter, frustrated and just want to stay away from him. I think about both of these instances the most when I here the word Agape. My parents, while I have issues, have loved me no matter what. My husband, he does know how to Agape. I;ve seen this first hand as I have treated him so badly sometimes and he still LOVES like you wouldn't believe.

Why am I so conditional?

Overall, I don't believe I have been able to accept Agape. I think its because I don't truely believe that I am good enough. I am constantly trying to find ways to do more, to be liked and accepted, and its like an addiction that affects every part of me. Maybe I am not able to accept Agape because I focus on the "conditional" things within my own life and it carries over to other people?

I'm desperate to know how to truely love, unselfishly, without condition.

More than I ever believed I could be

2007-11-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

A good friend directed me towards a sermon at a local church here in State College. It was great....and I am encouraged that maybe I will be able to go back to church. Here is a quote from the sermon that I liked:

Bruce Stillman
"Quite frankly I am sick to death of ideals. I have so many ideals and I have been so frustrated by them.
I really don't care anymore. What I am looking for is a Savior. Not someone who will tell me just who I ought to be, but someone who will forgive me for who I really am.
And then with his very love, will enable me to be more than I ever believed I could be."

I am constantly reminded of Rob Bell's quote in his book Velvet Elvis:

"Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

I pray for belief and hope in the truth of these statements and for the TRUTH that is built in love that I may be on the path of pursuing who God has made me to be. A path that leads to give in love to this world, no matter how hard, that this world may see true LOVE.

Is there a yoke that is easy?

2007-10-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

This month, I must say is labeled the hardship, depressed, troubled...whatever you want to call it month. I've felt depressed, alone, angry, all of those things. This time, not at God, but more so about my situation. The fall is so damn busy. I don't even have time to breath it seems.

As in my last post, all I think about is what I should be doing, how to change, what I can do better. My thoughts are consumed by this, but I have no time to do anything about it. Its crazy, stressful, and it doesn't make me the happiest person in the world. I looked back in my blog for last October and felt the same overwhelming during this time of year.

I read tonight in Matthew: "Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for I am gentle and humble in heart and I will give rest for your weary soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I read this tonight and immediately thought of my post at the beginning of the month. I thought of how stressed I feel about wanting to make changes and live a Christ centered life full of love on this earth...here and now. Just worrying about my own salvation was easy, this love thing is hard. So will someone please tell me how Christ's yoke is easy? Does it have something to do with being gentle and humble? Does that make the yoke easier? I'm just confused at the moment.

This is not easy. Our world is falling apart! The environment is collapsing, our culture is a throwup of consumerism, our government is a nightmare, no one loves, everyone hates, there is fear everywhere, no one wants to be around people who are different from them, we are success driven wasters, who only care about ourseleves. There...I said it...and I'm included in all of that.

Now I know that part of the reason why I am overwhelmed is because for some damn reason I feel that I have to take on all of those things. Why, supermeg probably, and I know that is a burden Christ did not intend me to carry.

But what about the stuff I am intended to carry? What about everyday worrying about the water I have wasted or all the trash I am throwing out, the gas I'm using, the things I'm not doing to lower my carbon footprint...all of which I believe are ways in which we are called to LOVE God's earth. But these are difficutl things. Our culture does not make doing any of these things easy. I have no community to be involved in to be doing this with other people and its a yoke that is just heavy right now.

What about loving my neighbors. This means loving the people at work that are aweful. This is not an easy burden. There is no lite yoke for some of the people I work with.

What about reaching out to the poor? I live in freaking white middle class state college. I've tried everywhere to find a place to get involved so that I can know the poor and not just ignore them. I've been turned away time and time again, OR i've never been given a return phone call or email. I mean...how do we live a life a justice with these kinds of things going on?

I do believe that there is a yoke that is lighter than the one I am carrying now, but I just don't understand how it can be? All of these issues, they are hard, much harder than worrying about my individual self. I know it was never garaunteed to be easy....but I just don't get the lite yoke....just don't get it right now.

Hardships

2007-10-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not relax at all. I slept pretty peacefully, but before going to bed my mind was overwhelmed. My brain is pumping with all the issues of work, the things I need to get done for class, and in the time after that; how to spend it.

I felt so alone last night. I wanted a group to speak with so bad, but at the same time, discouraged because I have not found a place that I feel safe to share my thoughts, opinions, goals, and my fears. I'm reading Justice in the Burbs, a book which touches on the overall issues of how to live a life of Justice while being part of rich, white America. The book has some great thoughts and I am trying to grab on to them and begin adjusting my life style through things like working at the local homeless shelter, getting to know my neighbors, educating and acting on social justice and environmental issues, etc.

But last night I became so overwhelmed, so helpless, and again alone. Everything seemed so hard yesterday. I thought about scripture and considered these verses:

"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said. Acts 14:22
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? Hebrews 12:7
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Revelations 2:3

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.
John 14:1-3 (in Context) (Jesus)

All my life I don't think I really understood what hardships for Christ were (I don't think I've really experienced them now either). I think I always thought they were to make sure you surrounded your self with good Christian people, to find and be heavily involved with a church, to learn your theology and fight for what that doctrine says. To walk meant to make sure you were seen as a good Christian person and to be successful in this American life.

I was overwhelemed with emotion last night because I believe that hardships are much different now. Living a life of love is hard and taxing. Finding a way to be involved in God's Kingdom here and now is so much more complicated and certainly takes you out of your comfort zone. It is a much different thinking than just worrying about your own way into Heaven when you die...which is only half of the story.

I believe we are called to be change adjents. I found that implementing change at work is hard enough! People don't like it. When it comes to changing this world and tackling injustice...its so big, so overwhelming, so different to think about that as my purpose here on earth than just thinking about my own personal salvation. Part of me wants to go back to my former thinking because its easier and fits in with our culture.

My hope is that I walk on....

To church or not to church?

2007-09-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

Finding a church home is not always easy. Eric and I spent the morning listening to a Rob Bell sermon and then reading some from "Justice in the Burbs" by Will and Lisa Sampson. We are both learning together how to live out Christ's justice as well as live where we live....rich, suburia. I am most scared of having kids and getting trapped in the suburan culture, which the Sampson's talk significantly about in their book. I don't want to try and keep up with the jones', but I want my kids to experience sports and be good at school, and I also want them to have a since of true justice and memories of helping other's in need. Sampson's book talks so much about how we get caught up with church responsibilities (bible studies, and other service to the church) that we end up having no time for Christ's justice in our own community. There is only so much time in the day. I already feel though that since we are taking a break from church that we are "not good christians". How much more pressure will we have once we have kids...to get involved at church...help out....give your time there...etc.

I hope the church is changing. I mean, I think that the church does a lot of wonderful things, but right now, I can't get past my usual thinking and my now cynical and distrusting feeling. I do want it to go away, but I'm also not ready to go back, nor do I feel safe. I hope that during this time I can find out what it means to walk in Christ's justice and to eventually find a balance between that truth and belonging to a community.

The Simple Life

2007-08-21T18:15:00.001-07:00

Why do you think life is so complicated? Today coming home from work I was reflecting on how stressed out I was, and the semester has not even started yet. These were some of the things I thought about today:

Make Up: seriously why do we have to wear it
Reversible Belt: why can't brown be worn with things and not others, why a black and a brown belt
Mortgages: So complicated
Houses: this includes mortgages above, yard work, appreciation, finishing basements
Managing People: damn why can't this be easier

These are just some of the random thoughts I had today that made me want to quit everything and go live in La Acequia, Honduras, or a place like it. Simple.

How do I make my life more simpler?

Rebuild

2007-07-16T04:12:00.000-07:00

To rebuild.
To start over. What a refreshing concept this has been to me the past few days. The spark of hope ignites as I think about rebuilding. I read recently in "How not to speak of God"

"If we fail to recognize that the term "God" always falls short of that towards which the word is supposed to point, we will end up bowing down before our own conceptural creations forged from the raw materials of our self-image, rather than bowing before the one who stands over and above that creation."

I want to rebuild God in my life. That God would be a true reflection of who God is, not a reflection of what others think I should say God is, or not what my own self-image and control say God is. For the past few days I've thought....alright, lets get started, where do I start?

And I can't help but hear and feel with every emotion in my body the word Stop. I watched Rob Bell's nooma video noise this morning and again, heard the word stop. Stop and listen. Stop and find God in silence, but not in silence controled by me. A silence that is void of the "god' stamp I place, void of my self-image and what I think needs to be said.

May my silence be rebuilt.

Rock Bottom?

2007-07-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

After a horrible night sleep, I sit here, wondering if this is the bottom. I wonder where is God, angry at that my feeble attempts to reach out to him have seem to gone unoticed. I don't want to pray or read or think anymore. Wrestling with my thoughts, doubts, convictions, and faith is tiring and I feel like I've asked for help and...nothing. Why? I'm angry, frustrated, which I have been for a while, and now those feelings just sit and I'm maybe comfortable in them. I feel there is nothing more I can do.

Is this rock bottom? Am I going to be pulled out of this or does it go deeper, further away? I can't imagine that it does, but again, I didn't think I could get this low either. I'm at a point of lost hope, that maybe God is going to leave me here to just wallow in my questions, fear, and doubt.

And yet I read this in one of my favorite blogs yesterday (Jen Lemen)

What ever you do
Hold on to Hope
The tiniest thread will twist into
an unbreakable cord

Let hope anchor you in the
possibility that this is not the
end of your story,

that change will bring you to
peaceful shores

I didn't sleep last night thinking of peaceful shores and how I get to them. I heard the words "just stop" in my head but I don't know if I can trust them and I don't know what they mean. I want to hold on to Hope with everything I have, but my grip is slipping and I don't want to fight to hold on anymore.

Good Faith

2007-06-19T04:04:00.001-07:00

I've finished a book by Brian McLaren called Finding Faith and I keep going back to the things I've learned from it. One part of the book focuses on good faith and what good faith looks like.

Good Faith is:
1. Humble, teachable, inquisitive
2. Grateful
3. Honest
4. Communal
5. Active
6. Tough
7. Relational

I've been thinking over these a lot and trying to place where my faith might be in this list. Today #6 sticks out in my mind. Good faith is tough. I run from tough things. The paragraph regarding this aspect of good faith states "If faith brings all benefits and no costs, how can we be sure our belief is anhonest pursuit of truth and goodness, as opposed to a pursuit of benefits? If my faith always gains me respect and compliments and never rejection or misunderstanding, might I not just be a believer out of social convenience? ...Is a faith any good that doesn't challenge me to do good and become better, even when I don't feel like it?" pg 40-41

I don't like tough things. I run from them. My faith is no different. How do I ground myself in the tough things, sit in them, fight through them, confidient that the good faith I am pursuing is worth it? How do I intentionally make choices that put me on the path of good faith, no matter how tough?

Sitting in my comfort

2007-06-04T04:04:00.000-07:00

Not much to write this morning, other than my thoughts since coming back from Honduras. The trip was a great experience. I was finally somewhat humbled by my lack of skill set that I could bring to the table. I learned a lot though. Coming back, I've jumped right back into my normal life, having to go to work right away, and then having a weekend to just sit in the comfort of my own home.

I've been thinking though, that I don't want to get stuck in this comfort. On the trip, by the end of the week, I missed our home, a shower, our tv and couches, my ability to relax on the weekend, etc. Now, none of these things are bad per say...but I thought it was kinda aweful that these are the things I thought about. I even thought about how easy and nice it would be to just fit into the American culture...be stay at home mom, raise kids based on keeping up with the jones', be more and more successful with what the american culture says to be successful in (bigger house, cars, nice vacations, etc.). Again, none of these things are necessarily bad, but I had to make myself stop and think, why are all of these thoughts flooding in?

I think the trip was ultimately hard. I think I didn't see results like I wanted to see and therefore I immediately resorted to what was easy. I thought, it'll just be easier to go back and fit in, then it would to try to continue to go on trips like this, or work on non-profit stuff, or volunteer my time, or whatever. I really just wanted to give up on these passions I've had for about two years or so.

Then I felt guilty for thinking and missing all the things I have. I want to see the things I have here as a blessing, I want to be able to balance those blessing with action. I want to not sit in my comfort and I want to not run from difficult things.

This trip was difficult because it takes time to see changes. Eric reminded me of that as we were frustrated by the end of the week, that changes have happened since the first time this group started coming, but it has happened over a 5 year period. That was too much for me, I wanted to see changes now, I wanted it to be easy, and I wanted to see the difference I was making. I think this led to me saying, well then nothing else I try to do will do those things, so lets just fit in with everyone else, its too big a problem, you can't do anything about it.

When I got home, I realized just how undisciplined I am and how focused me and Eric are to just doing what we want to do. We have an easy great life, which I am thankful, but I don't want to hide behind that. I want to remember to walk on.

I hope I will remember this trip, and that memory will not allow me to just sit in my comfort, but walk in thankfulness for it with action pushing from behind and a desire to be patient for the work being done, that it would ultimately be a part of Christ's Kingdom here and now.

2007-05-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Eruption, frustration, impatience, lonliness, lost

Tears are pouring down my face. As soon as I actually have time to sit and think, I erupt. All semester I have made myself so busy that stopping and thinking is not an option. Now, as things havee slowed, my frustrations with myself overwhelm me to the point that I take them out on my husband. My impatience for where God has left me boils over in anger and rage. I'm left a lone to wallow in my pride. I try to get out and I find I am lost. I don't know where to turn. I'm stuck in the middle, not wanting to find help in the faith life I once had, and still uncertain about the path I am pursuing at the moment.

I cry, because I don't know what else to do. The bible is foreign to me. Prayer comes in little spurts that feel meaningless. Work becomes something I do to take my mind off of these issues, but it is also becoming a place that feels like it drags me down. I'm chained to it and while heavy it feels safe at the moment. I want so badly to turn the key, which is in my hand, to be free, but I'm scared of where that goes.

I cry, because I don't like myself. Everything about myself I want to change.
I cry, because my pride has overtaken me and I am making not only my life but my husbands life miserable.

Where do I go....?

"Any simpleton can follow the narrow path in the light: faith's rare wisdom enables us to march on in the dark with infallible accuracy, since she places her hand in that of her great Guide." Charles Spurgeon

Right now

2007-04-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

Loving People is Loving God
Life is not about us, We are about life
Live where you are
God accepts you as you are right now

But....

I am not skinny enough
I can't love that person because they think differently than me
What do I do next
Why can't I talk and think like all the other "thinkers"
I am right
I have to get better
I have to do more
I have to figure it out
How can I make myself look good
I have to make sure to please everyone
Why can't I be respected
God wants me to do better
I can't do it all, so I'm not good enough

Why is it so hard to believe the short list? Instead, my beliefs about myself and where I am right now come flowing out like a nasty puff of smoke. I'm addicted to a false me, to a super Meg, a fix I have everyday. So bad now, that I don't even stop to think that I'm inhaling, feeding it, dying in it.

Crying, I still take a puff, thinking that every word out of my mouth somehow feeds it. I wish there was a patch that I could place on heart, one that would shoot through my veins quickly, killing the pride and perfection and filling me with a sense of love, peace, and rest.

How many times do I have to ask that this be taken away? I'm in a blaming stage at the moment, blaming my mom and dad, blaming things people said to me growing up, wallowing in past conversations, and thinking that I have to get some where to be fixed. The future holds the answers...right?

"let go of your false self-God says-I accept you right now"

What about right now?

2007-03-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

"The gospel is the uncontrollable & uncontainable inbreaking of God’s hopes and dreams for this world, and beyond. Through the gospel, God the Creator, God the Redeemer and God the Spirit, bring peace, love and hope into the world, while also presenting an alternative way of life, challenging the powers & principalities that be in the world today."
from http://pomomusings.com/

Not a whole lot is working for me right now. I'm so busy with work and travel that I can't find time to sit and think much less pray. I'm finding that I dwell alot on what I'm doing and how it doesn't fit in with what I think are purposeful, noble causes for the Kingdom of God.

Why can't I see God' work in what I am doing right now?

X-rated

2007-02-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

I have no idea where I am right now. I know I feel alone, frustrated, insufficent, and down right unhappy.
Alone:
No one understands at all the things I am studying, reading, and thinking about. I can type it on blogs and get some people to say, yes, I know where you are coming from but that isn't real at times. People I know and love constantly give me a look like, you are going off the deep end when I express new things I'm learning.

Frustrated:
I read a lot of books and listen to a lot of podcasts and sermons. I like what I hear most of the time. I can't however, regurgitate that information. The information is just in my head and it won't come out. When it does I get those looks. I've been told numerous times that I need to hold these things up to the bible and see that they are true and when talking to certain friends and family I need to share my point of view quoting scripture.

Damn it. What if I am just frustrated with scripture? What if the person who spoke the sermon used scripture to define their talk, but those people don't agree with how he/she interpretted the scripture? What if I can't just quote scripture and believe it is truth. It is so fucking hard to take some of the stuff I'm reading and just put it with scripture. How the hell am I supposed to just make it all make sense to someone else? What if the books I'm reading quotes Jesus, but because of a certain view point someone has on the scripture the people who want me to back everything up with scripture don't agree anyway. I can't do this.

Insufficient:
I have a problem with perfection, you know, Super Meg. Since I can't get out my feelings, thoughts, and have someone understand them, I feel like a failure. Because I don't feel like I have everyone's respect at work, I feel like a failure. I'm not able to EVER loose weight and I go through bad eating habits where I just feel huge. My hair is too fucking short and I hate it. I can't live up to my dreams, I can't step out of this safe world I'm in to pursue my dreams, and I don't know what I believe anymore. I see every bad aspect of my parents in myself and I want to scream.

Unhappy:
If you haven't guessed all of these things right now are making me terribly unhappy. My motivation is out the door. My passions are slowly slipping away as I wollow in self pity, rage, and laziness.

How do I continue to walk on.....

Walking Humbly

2007-02-16T03:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work I had a strange feeling, a feeling that took hold of me for the rest of the day. I felt a strong sense to step away from the work I am doing. I don't know what I would be stepping into or why at this point, but it was a deep feeling in my gut that this was it. Maybe the step doesn't happen today or this year even, but I think I've been alerted to keep my eyes open.

This desire in me for more was at the forefront of these feelings. I think about wanting more and I question my own humility and motivation. Doesn't wanting more sound big headed? I know that more is significant, but how do I make sure the more is defined by the one creating me and not by the sin inside me? How do I take hold of my passions and run with them without feeling like everyone is looking at me saying, oh, she thinks she is so good etc. OR myself saying those same things, look at me, I'm doing good things. How do you escape those thoughts?

I read something today on Scot McKnights blog. He spoke of Ps.119 where the Psalmist is claiming his integrity. David says out loud, I follow your decrees God, and then he petitions God for help. David knows his own integrity and claims it before God.

McKnight goes on to say that: "There is more to learn beyond the claim of integrity, but true humility is to know who we are before God. " To know who you are before God.

Doesn't that tie in with pursuing who God has made me to be? Knowing who God has made me to be elightens me to both the good things within me as well as the bad. This whole time, I think I've focused on knowing all the good things God has made me to be. What about knowing the bad things about me? What about claiming those. Knowing both are a big part of knowing who I am before God.

Psalms 119:133 says "Direct my footsteps according to your word. Let no sin rule over me."

Being created, shaped, and molded is done so both under the good and the bad things about me. Maybe claiming both the good and the bad will help to find the more inside me? Regardless, I want to pursue who I am before God.

Mustard Seed?

2007-02-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

Faith as small as a mustard seed. I hope I still have that. I realized tonight that I question just about everything I read in the bible. I question why it was written, who wrote it, was it interpretted correctly, why does God allow the bible to be written in such a way that uplifts men and demotes women, why do I believe certain parts and not others, can I really trust these writings? All of these things go through my head. Does that make me not a Christian?

If I do believe Jesus when he says, you only have to have faith as small as a mustard seed, do I still have that seed? Am i not allowing faith to be a part of my spiritual walk anymore because I am so skeptical? There are so many interpretations out there, commentaries on the bible, books written about topics, all of which the authors pull out scripture to defend their writings. There are different denominations, different theologies, and different cultures, ALL claim to be the right way. So which is it?

However, don't I have to have some kind of faith that I'm going down the path that God has intended..no matter how different it is from all the other differences? I wouldn't be searching this much if belief wasn't somehow rooted inside me, right?

I do hope the skepticism isn't always there. I feel that questions lead to growth, but is there a point where the skepticism stops?

I do believe. Help me with my unbelief. (roman centurian from somewhere in the bible)

Lonely Planet

2007-01-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Pride...a nasty thing. What do you do with it? Do you just admit being prideful in your own head and just try to change your actions or do you admit it...say it out loud.

These days I am very, very sensitive to the perspectives of people that I love, trust, and look up to regarding my walk with Christ. I have numerous times shared my thoughts, honestly, about where I am. Most times it is hit with a shock reaction, specifically with my dad, and a conversation that leaves me feeling very alone. Friends have done it as well. It hurts so bad. I want to explain myself more and describe that the answers I've heard for so long don't work in my head.

I feel so awkward, alone, and misinterpreted constantly. I never know how to really get the thoughts out of my head into words. I can't and don't want to argue my point, and I can't regurgitate scripture to show that what I'm thinking making sense. It just does. I pray constantly that I am pursuing truth. I want to stop feeling like the wierdo who has disbelief and doubts. Thats all I want.

Hearing a true friend tell me that I've got to back everything up with scripture, boils a big heated pot inside me that results in tears and frustration. This is the pride.

I have been trying to read scripture and trying to find the point where I can read it and say that it matches what I'm hearing and reading. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it is jumbled with the crap from the past, sometimes it doesn't make sense cause I don't have the background information or haven't studied the language or the culture. Its not easy. But I know it has to be done. That sentence was really hard for me to write.

Its not easy because I have so many questions. Its not easy because I have so much baggage from the past that needs to be dropped in order to think more of the Kingdom here and now. Its not easy because inside, I want to feel, say, and know that I am right without doing the work. And its not easy, because I doubt. Sometimes I read scripture and wonder, what was the authors interpretation of this, what was the context in which he was writing, how do my presupositions, culture, sin, etc. play into how I am interpreting this passage. Its a jumbled mess in my head.

I said last night that there is this point that I know I need to get to in which the traditions and foundations of my past are mixed with a progressive search to find what it really means to live a life that pursue's Christ.

Right now, it seems I am holding on tightly to words written and spoken by people who are not THE scripture. I believe though in their honest search and right now its all have. I need to be corrected in that they are not Christ's word and I do need to stand on His firm foundation.

Bear with me while I regain that footing.
Why does this have to be a very, very lonely place?

Rescue

2007-01-03T03:47:00.000-08:00

I want to be rescued.

I want to be rescued from the pull of materialism. I thought the other day...what would I do without my house. I love it. I never want to leave it. I constantly buy things because I think I need them. What would it look like to be rescued from this?

I want to be rescued from business. Eric and I have this ongoing conversation about how different our personalities are. I am go go and he is sit sit. I think he is lazy at times, and he thinks I do way too much. I am trapped into thinking that resting is wasting time. I think that spending time with my husband is not spending time with "people" so therefore we rarely have a time for us since I always think I am wasting time if it is not spent with other people. I feel as though there has to be a happy medium. What would it look like to be rescued from this?

I want to be rescued from thinking I have it all right. Recently, a college friend pointed out that no one likes to tell me anything because I am perceived as someone who always does the right thing and expects other to chooses those same paths. I hated that this is the way I made people feel. I've realized lately that I get this from my father. My dad harbors such great expectations and he judges other people when they don't think, act, or choose to do things that meet those expectations. I have been in the middle of that with him. I am hurt and don't really want to tell him anything or talk with him for that matter. Instead of now understanding how my friends feel, I throw it right back at my dad..judging him for his thoughts, beliefs, and choices for living. I can't seem to get a hold of how to live, loving people regardless of their decision to agree or disagree with my thinking. How do you live the life God is calling you to live without coming across this way. I dont know. What would it look like to be rescued from this?

Galatians 1:4-5
"So I greet you with those great words, grace and peace. We know the meaning of those words because Jesus Christ rescued us from this evil world we are in by offering himself as a sacrifice for our sins. God's plan is that we all experience that rescue." Msg.

I believe the evil in this world takes its form in everyway, mostly in "isms"(from McLaren), consumerism, judgmentalism, business (I can't think of an ism for that word).

I want to be rescued from these things. I want to know what the grace and peace feels like because right now I am chained to these evils, keeping me from living with purpose...seeking to find who God has made me to be.

I think being rescued would look like a bank account with resources left to use for things that bring God's kingdom to earth instead of sitting in a home in the form of furniture, electronics, for only the owners to enjoy. It would look like a real day of rest where the trouble of the week are dealt with and time with the husband would be precious and meaningful. It would look like a love for my parents that appreciates the life they have given me regardless of their conservative thoughts. It would free me to love others regardless of their beliefs and choices and would show that attitude.

For starters..
I will think first about everything I purchase for the rest of this month and determine...Is this necessary? What about this product do I have to have?
I will give up planning so much. I will give time for rest, for alone time, for friends, and most importantly for Eric.
I will constantly pray that these feelings of bitterness and resentment towards my dad will deminish that I may learn how to communicate with him and not get angry about his differing thoughts and beliefs.

I want to be rescued.

Is Believing EVER easy?

2006-11-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

I realized the other day that I don't want to be around other Christians much. I was asked to go to a women's bible study and the thought of going just made my stomach turn. I sat and thought that day about why my internal reaction was the way it was. I think that over the past couple of years I have had so many questions, so many doubts, so much unbelief, which has turned into some different kinds of thinking than the conservative, fundamental view point that I grew up with. My different thinking has been influenced by podcasts, books, and blogs. In walking down this path and sharing my experiences and thoughts with others, namely from a conservative/semi fundamental viewpoint, I have been shattered. My dad, I swear thought I was going over the deep end..saying to my mom, "I'm worried about Meg"..translation...she's not following Christ. Other friends have been frustrated and offened when I've questioned our thought processes on homosexuality and other issues that for years seemed to be cut and dry. Point being...I feel judged.

I imagined myself going to this bible study, saying all the lingo that I know they want to hear..all the while questions and frustrations run through my head. Then I imagined sharing those feelings and questions, and immediately I felt sick as I remembered how hurt I was my hearing that my dad was "worried about me". I couldn't stomach either. So I didn't go.

This week, I've been trying to read more scripture to figure out..ok..are these questions valid, are the viewpoints of the other resources I am reading true. Tonight I just kept reading John, I couldn't put it down. I was hoping to find clarity, hoping for something that afirmed I was headed in the right direction.

Instead, I walked away confused...feeling like I have some how back tracked. I neither identify right now with the Jesus I'm reading and writing about, nor do I see how the Jesus I followed before makes sense either. I felt confused by everything Jesus said. How do I know that the translation I'm reading is correct? Comparing the two I'm reading makes me wonder..which is better? How can I read more into the context of the author writing? Is there a resource to help me figure it out so I can come up with my own conclusions? How do I know that my interpretation is correct?

I just want believing to be easy. Is that too much to ask? Why has it been so hard these days?

My journey has come out of the rough water that pounded against my head, a swim to shore fighting the current. To some sandy earth..a kind of firm footing. I headed towards the forest. Following a path at first, now lost, confused, not knowing which direction to go in. What map do I look towards.

Rooted in my own story

2006-10-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

These past few days I have felt very in tune with where I am on my journey. Not to say that I have it figured out..but just feel..as Rob Bell put it in a sermon series he is doing..."rooted in my own story".

I feel as though I'm making more progress in defining where I am on this path. While questions aren't answered, I feel as though I am being showed a direction taking me back to the root of all of our stories..Jesus. Does it matter how we get there?

I've been focused a lot on Christ's mission to save the whole world. This mission is very evident in scripture and many contemporaries define it as Christ's Kingdom here and now...not when we die..but living it out here and now. Compared to the christian theological thought I used to ascribe to, individualistic, my own personal savior, not the savior of the world etc, this is different and occasionally as I journied down this path I would feel frustrated, scared, and alone.

This week, I feel like my eyes are starting to open to see how the Kingdom of God for the world is lived out both in my actions and in my heart. I've begun maybe to understand how both focusing on our individual walk with Christ as well as our concern for the world go together.

How am I living Christ's Kingdom message out in my everyday life? From my upbringing I've always thought that I had to speak it and defend it with every part of my being. I've never been good at defending anything! I'd always feel that I was never going to be up to par because I would never know how to defend my beliefs.

Point being, I heard tonight in the sermon series (appropriately titled Why God wants to save Christians), that many so called christians lash out in negative harmful defense of their so called "christian religion" because they "have no faith in their own story". Our stories are important and I want to be rooted in mine. Rooted in a story means believing in it. I believe in my story because I believe that Christ is redeeming it. I believe that Christ is making it. Because of that, my story speaks volumes, not the words that I try to defend with.

Christ sent 72 people out to speak of him in towns all over the Jewish country side. Bell asserts that Christ told those followers to "demonstrate and announce". That's all. He did not say argue until you are blue in the face or MAKE them believe, he told them to demonstrate and announce and if they didn't hear it..then leave. Bell also pointed out that Paul, in Corinth I believe, was brought to the head clerk to be killed. The head clerk pointed out that Paul had said nothing against their cities religion, nothing. I find that very interesting. Why then do we put so much time and effort into proving we are right and they are wrong? Paul didn't feel the need to do that. He just demonstrated and announced the Kingdom....

I want to live my story out in demonstration. I want to announce my story is being redeemed, being made. Christ's power lives in that not in a calculated line of defense.

Questions

2006-10-02T04:11:00.000-07:00

Reading through my past blogs, I realize that since March I have been struggling with the same theme. I was reunited with that theme last night as I sat through church, once again, wondering how I live this life, how I get my questions answered, where I look, where I run to, and how the heck do I do all of this with a humble heart.

I decided to give up some sleep. This will prove to be challenging, but something has to give. I've felt more purposeless, tired, and down in the last month than at any other time. I've have been swamped at work, consumed by the demands of four teams and the stress of wanting to proove myself over and over again. It is aweful. Last night I started thinking about all of this by saying..this can't be life..this can't be all I have to live for.

Our culture tells us it is. Our culture tells us to work, and to work hard, earn more money, and get promoted. The American dream tells us to get everything that you can, step on people to do it, and make sure you are aok. I can't get where living successfully and living a Christ centered life go together. I feel trapped with no place to go.

This morning is a start to figuring that out. I was hoping to find some revelation today something to jump start me..but all I really learned is that for about 6 months, I have been wallowing in the same questions. I have pushed them aside lately in order that my life might go on. I can't do that anymore. This morning is a start to find some answers. How do I live this life and feel purposeful even though my culture says purpose is found in things that I feel are very purposeless, draining, and consuming.

Where to look..I'm not sure.

Eternal Significance

2006-08-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

In discovering my Super Meg complex, I have just wanted to run from it. Pushing it down as if it doesn't exsist. Tonight is an attempt to address it and live in it....

Tonight I listened to a talk by Brian McLaren which explained the true meaning of the Kingdom of God. Mclaren argues that the Kingdom of God is here and now. The theology that most of us grew up with claims that the Kingdom of God is something in the future, something we earn after we live a good life here. He talks about the rich young ruler who asks him what he must do to inheret eternal life. The ruler has everything, he is rich, somewhat powerful, young, and he is moral. Jesus asks him to give up his riches and follow him. The young guy turns around and goes home sad.

The interesting part of this story hinges around domination. In Jesus time, the Jews were constantly dominated by stronger powers and every day they were looking for their liberator. As I learned from Mclaren's talk tonight, Jesus wants to liberate us through his Kingdom here and now. Today we are dominated by a culture that tells us we are constantly not good enough. We are held in bondage to certain looks, actions, and successes dictated by a powerful cultural ruler. Jesus focuses his ministry on helping the poor and oppressed. Everyone of us lives in some kind of oppression. Jesus is asking that we take part in his ministry that we might be liberated from that oppression. The rich young ruler was caught up in it too. He was a ruler because somehow he got in good with the Roman empire, the very rule which held his people in oppression. He contributed to his own people's domination. Jesus was asking him to help liberate his people, to be a part of a Kingdom on earth that focused not on the success and moral ability of people, but of freeing people or helping the poor and oppressed and leaving the life that culture said was right and true and easy.

I gathered from all of this the term eternal significance and how Jesus is asking us to choose to live a life that makes an impact for the Kingdom here and now. So often my days are filled with how I can continually be successful and moral in the eyes of my coworkers, parents, inlaws, husband. At life I constantly live for the approval of others, held bondage by our culture which says I am not good enough.

I asked myself tonight...How do I contribute to domination instead of liberation? How do I continue to enforce the rules of our culture that says we are all not good enough?

Christ's Kingdom, here and now says we are good enough. We are all in need of being liberated. It is my job, with the time I have been given here on earth to figure out where my life can contribute to the Kingdom, a Kingdom that truely liberates and transforms.

Super Meg constantly contributes to the domination of myself to a world where being successful, powerful, and perfect are chains that are just too heavy to bear. Knowing and BELIEVING that I am enough here and now and can be a part of something so much bigger than just success and moral standards is a start in truely living in God's Kingdom.

Perfect Storm

2006-08-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days at work. Its a feeling where my spiritual life and my work life just don't mesh. I feel and act in ways that I think are ways that Christ would have me act as a manager, nice, kind, compassionate, yet my work world says that those don't work.

So then...the big stuff....I am critiqued. I find that someone doesn't think I am perfect...and it is all over. I cry, I sulk, myself esteem drops below the ground. Why am I so chained to this perception of myself that I want everyone to have? It affects me so much. It is a problem rooted in pride. I think I'm perfect. There I said it. I do. When I find out I am not it rocks my world.

How aweful is this sin. How do I see myself through different eyes? How do I recognize when I am feeding this sin? I have no idea. All I know is it started with naming it as my Super Meg (from Velvet Elvis) and my eyes have been opened to see it as a much deeper problem of the soul.

I don't want to talk about it, I don't really even want to write about it. I don't want to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and think..."how do I get rid of Super Meg today".

Firm Footing

2006-07-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

"..your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust" 2 Peter 1:4

Participation in the life of God. Relentlessly pursuing who God made you to be. These are a few phrases that seem to turn over and over in my head these days. They make my heart skip a beat, my breath to be deep, and my eyes to close. I believe God has a life for us better than the one of lust I constantly pursue. I believe God has made me and will keep making me into a person he has created me to be. Doesn't that just give you chills? Sometimes I hate everything about myself and about the choices I've made in this life. I want to change everything. I find hope in the phrases above. Hope that even though I think my life is shakey at best I know I am being MADE. I find hope that I can participate, even for a moment, in a life that God has intended for us to have. I find hope that when I'm frustrated at all that I want to be and can't seem to get there that God has currently made me to be something. While I don't know exactly what either of those are, I want to pursue them, and I find so much excitement that I can. I find excitement that this world is not all there is. The American dream, my culture tells me I should live is not the ultimate dream, there is more and that takes my breath away.

"So don't loose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others." 2 Peter 1:5-6

I have been stuck, stuck in a moment as my friend Bono would say. I've been constantly worried about why I'm not feeling the way I used to feel? Why are phrases like the blood of Christ, Christ's work in my life, Confidence in Christ's death and so on and so on, so foreign to my lips? They don't cause that shortness of breath. Did they ever? Were they just words spoken because I knew the lingo?

"With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus." 2 Peter 1:8

Shaken, my walk is. I was crossing the stream, unsteady, on slippery rocks, with water rushing over my unbalanced feet. I think I might have slipped along the way, tumbling into the icy water, taken out of my control down stream, hoping that I am not dragged under....

"So friends, confirm God's invitation to you, his choice of you. Don't put it off, do it now. Do this and you'll have your life on a firm footing, the streets paved and the way wide open into the eternal kingdom of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ. "
2 Peter 1:10-11

I've lost those moments of building. I wonder if this is part of being made. If I could just grab on to a rock, maybe I will find firm footing.

Walk On...

2006-06-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I re-read my longest blog ever..which took me a while cause its the longest blog ever...anyway and just wanted to post that recently, on my journey, I have another image that shows a picture of me spiritualy. This past weekend I spent some time with friends from Atlanta, where we used to live. I have also been dialoging with my dad about this stuff via email. Both conversations have really shook me up on where I am and if I am following the right path.

So, I sat in prayer the other day and just saw myself crossing a river. The river wasn't too terrifying, but I am stepping on rock after rock to cross. I have to make it, and right now, I'm stepping on rocks that are a little shaky and I'm a little unconfident in my balance and step.

So...that is my next picture...wet, rocky, and shaky....but I am walking on.

later

My Longest Blog Ever!!!

2006-05-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

Am I truely seeking truth? How much of my spiritual/religious past is rooted in truth? How much of the new things that I am learning today are rooted in truth? How do I know?

Today I had a conversation with a friend regarding homosexuality. I spent the entire day on Saturday researching on the internet about the bible and homosexuality. I was reading greek and hebrew and seeking to find an answer to an issue that I feel has been blown into the central issue of christianity, with huge negative effects. Unfortunately, the only answer I found was that both the liberal and conservative sides read the text in a way that "proves" their side is true. The answer to my question was not found....

I really got to thinking, why is this such an issue? Why is homosexuality viewed as such a BIG sin yet, my sins can be looked over? I don't get it. How do I look at this with seemingly no clear cut answer from the bible? How do I take science into account in this discussion? More importantly, how do I help to deminish the divide that I feel supposed (me included) followers of Christ have created with homosexuals. I don't know. I do know that I can not 100% say that the bible is cut and dry on this issue, that I want to address the deeper needs of people, and I don't want the "sides" on this issue to define Christ all over the world..which it has done.

In talking to my friend today, I threw all these issues at her...including ones that were more of a kind of accepting viewpoint. I think it frustrated her and didn't help her in the situation she is dealing with. While I was excited to share the new things I was thinking and reading, I couldn't help but go back to my past, where this friend was a part of, and question...am I pursuing truth?

It is so hard to really trust a new mindset. I grew up and started my walk with Christ thinking one thing...and now those thoughts have changed. People I love and trusted as mentors would not agree with some of the things I am thinking. I am skeptical of everything now. So I have to wonder, where am I going. Am I pursuing truth?

Through all this, I know that I believe, I know that Christ is part of all of this and that gives me hope.

A book that I am reading, Velvet Elvis, has a quote that has really hit me hard. In it the author, who started a church, is struggling to deal with questions and new thoughts that he has while still leading a church. Here is a section from the book where he is meeting with a therapist:

"I was making a list of all the people I was working to keep happy. He said it was clear that there were significant numbers of people I was spending a significant amount of time working to please and that my issue was a simple one. I was anticipating something quite profound and enlightening as I got out my pen. He said this: "Sin". And then he said, in what has become a pivotal moment in my journey, "Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

THE RENTLESS PURSUIT OF WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE"

I love that. So as I struggled with worry today about what my friend and others who I respect and love in my life may criticize or think maybe I'm going off the deep end, I say this is part of my pursuit. Not the final pursuit, but part of it.

I want my life to reflect that pursuit. I'm not sure what that looks like....maybe I will never know until I look back...

Looking back so far....
In Atlanta my pursuit was a black hole full of darkness, questions and no way out...
After accepting that I was changing my world was pulled out of that darkness and then into a panoramic picture which culminated at the top of a mountain peak
Next I saw myself holding a map and the map directly pointed to the top of the mountain...I knew I had a long road ahead.
My journey is now on the climb. There have been some really rough parts where I desperatly want to turn back and just make life easy.
Now though, while still climbing, I feel like I have built up some endurance. The path is still hard, but I am building up strength. I still expect some rocky roads ahead.

I want to paint some pictures of this journey someday...or maybe Eric could take some with his handy new camera! That would be cool.

The last thing I will say,..is that I am joyous. Isn't that a sign that I am pursuing truth? I am happy where I am and it is spilling over into all areas of my life. That has to be something.....

Ok...I think this post counts for like 4 months cause it is so freaking long!!!

Old and drooling

2006-04-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

Life is go go go right now. I think when you live in the north, people hybernate until April and then BAM! Everyone wakes up and you have to cram things in to four weeks of April. Its craziness around here.

I am so thankful for tonight and just the ability to sit and be quiet and think, read, reflect. It makes me feel purposeful and like I did something today that really matters (unlike planning rugby tournaments, returning phone calls at work, or worrying about what is on my schedule for next week)

I've come to believe that once you hit your twenties you start to realize what life is really like. The fairy tale wedding and honeymoon is over...Life is hard and the person you were before 25 is definately not the person you are at 26 and will constantly change up until you are old, drooling and babbling in a nursing home..then there is really no hope of figuring out who you are and why you are the way you are...you are just old.

Its important to figure out who you are and why you do things the way you do. The problem is figuring out who you are opens up a whole mess of stuff inside you. Most of the time those answers come from deep down. Something you have to find by digging, analyzing, remembering, and naming. Its not fun. I can't say that I have named anything yet, but I feel like that I know now that life isn't as easy as it once was. The way I think and act is a result of my past and some deep issues that have been festering inside me. I need to go on that show that Rachel and I watched where the people go to the house to get fixed..and when they are fixed they leave cured.

I do think that my selfishness, lack of confidence, and desire for approval are all a result of my first 26 years..that is kinda obvious...anyway. Digging these things up isn't fun at all. In fact it hurts and its hard and most of the time I want to quit. In fact most of the time I don't let myself have time to dig. I don't really know where to go from here.

I wish I could paint how I feel my life has been the past year and a half, mostly spiritually and internally..as I have been so blessed in my life, career, husband and friends. But spiritually and internally I would paint a deep dark hole that seemed impossible to escape. Next picture would be of a small flower slowly budding from beneath a cracked earth. Then I would paint a picture of a beautiful field with flowers and a towering treacherous mountain glowing with the rays of the sun from above. Next I would pain a picture of a trail that leads up a steep winding hill with rocks, roots, thorns, and holes covering the terrain. That is where I am now. A treacherous difficult journey of my faith and my spirit..one that is hard...one that I want to turn back. But one that I know..I saw..the brilliant sunshine at the top of the mountain.

Will I be drooling before I get there.....?

You can't fix it

2006-03-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

Last night at church, I was so frustrated and confused. The sermon was on the Holy Spirit...and boy did I not feel it at all. I heard the same thing I have always heard...the HS wants to speak to you, the HS wants to show you the way to walk, the HS can't talk to you if you have disobeyed, have sin permitting him to speak, all that good stuff. So I sat there and thought, I 've got a lot of crap right now. I've always had a lot of crap. How do I get rid of it in order to hear the HS? I thought about all the ways and things that I need to change, all the issues I have, the lack of forgiveness for friends, the pride. The list kept going and going in my head and believe it or not I kept trying to say, "ok well, I can fix this with this, and start doing this to fix this...bla..bla..bla" And then..just as clear as anything..."you can't fix it". I realized that I can't fix this stuff. My sin, my issues, my struggles are never going to go away, I can't fix it, I can't put these things down on a list and check them off one by one. I can't fix it.

Now I know what the text book answer is to all of this and if you have grown up in a church you know what it is too. I know what to say, I know how I'm supposed to feel, so I won't even bring it up here, because damn it, I don't feel that way. My head and my heart just don't match at the moment. I can't fix it, I will live and live fully through down times and good times, knowing that someday I will have a peace and that slowly things will be mended together, not completely fixed but mended. That gives me comfort, not the text book version.

Is that bad?

"And let me live WHOLE and HOLY, SOUL and BODY, so I can always walk with my head held high"
PS. 119:80 msg.

Blinds

2006-03-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Do you ever come back from vacation and just feel out of it? I've been gone and out of my 'normal' routine since last Wednesday night. I feel a bit odd coming back to work or even being at home or feeling like doing anything I normally do. Does this happen to anyone else? I just don't even want to get back into the swing of things...whatever kind of swing that was.

I did have somewhat of a break through though before I left. I was trying to pray..which has been a difficult task lately...and really felt and read that I need to just live. So often I worry about staying in the swing of things, or making sure I'm doing the right things or thinking the right way or whatever. What about just living where I am. Living right now with a struggling prayer life, living right now with out a desire to want to reach out to my co-workers, living right now devoting a lot of my time to thinking about our house. It was like a small window was opened to my view of my life. I see myself looking through the crack in a blind at a life that has a ray of sunshine, where as I was constantly trying to pull, tug, and untangle the string that pulls up the entire blind. It was like I was thankful for getting a glimps if you will and stopped using all my efforts to pull the entire blind up. What I got was that this is my life at the moment....this is what I'm struggling with...and someday I will fully see the sunshine...but now is not the moment...so live. Live and love the fact that you have a house, that you are not that much overweight, that you are healthy, that you have a wonderful husband, that you know deep down you love everything that God stands for but that right now you are at a wierd place and its OK. Stop swinging the same bat...pick up a lighter one at times..and sometimes a heavier one...but just open up your eyes and live.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else...but it was just a moment for me and I wanted to capture it.

I'm not there yet...

2006-02-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been struggling with learning how to forgive. I think because of my bitterness and unwillingness to forgive, my sin has caused a disease to invade my entire body. I am cold, dark, closed, hard spiritually...I read this blog today:

"Psalms 38:3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
my bones have no soundness because of my sin.

This might seem a bit odd to most. I mean, shit happens - right? It's not always your fault. And that's true, but I get what David means here. I look back at the difficult (to put it mildly) period in my life around September-October last year and I can suddenly see how my own unwillingness to let go of things and hold on to anger and bitterness left me vulnerable. There was definitely an element of my own sin at play. After blaming God for ages, I can finally see how He was there helping me along, while I was busy sabotaging myself.

So, today I put it all down and say "I'm sorry - I did things my own way and I was wrong". It's a nice feeling to let go."

So I read this and I thought...that is me...that is me to a T! Except, sadly, for the last sentence. I'm not there yet...

We have walls and I have a dream....

2006-02-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

So they finished the sheet rock on our house today! We have walls! Its so crazy. For some reason though, as we walk into our house a switch turns on in my head and I just have to argue with everything my husband says. Today it was whether or not the damn couch would fit in one of the guest bedrooms, then it turned into if I was going to have a vanity or not cause our bathroom is small, and then if the doors should be locked or not!

Right now I'm really into this rebellion against the American Dream. The very dream I am living in when it comes to our house. Yes it is great to be able to buy a house, have people over, have nice stuff etc. But is this what I live for and is this dream going to evolve into me being leave it to beavers mom on steroids running kids around to sporting events? This is what America says is a success. I mean hell..i'm on the right track, I was an athlete in highschool, went to undergrad, married my high school sweet heart, received a masters degree, got a dog, two nice cars, and now a house....Is this the dream I want for my life. By the choices I have made so far it sure does seem like it. I guess I'm not rebelling very hard.

Honestly, I'm scared to death. My whole life, this American Dream is what I perceived as a "good life", even a good christian life..you look out for your future, your success, and you work towards x, y, and z, you do well in school, be nice, do unto others as you would have them do to you etc. For some reason, my heart is saying this is all bullshit...but my head keeps arguing about the furniture we are going to get, the placement of it, and how much money we can afford to spend on decorating the house. For some reason that stuff is more important and I just feel like it is going to continue to spiral downwards until I wake up one day and I'm rushing to get the kids to basketball, cheerleading (god forbid), underwater basket weaving, and ice fishing (cause that's what they do here in PA), all the while trying to talk on the phone to my husband just to say hi cause I'm on my way to a PTA meeting and then to to have a much needed drink with a friend whom I haven't seen in years..yet we are neighbors, and I look down and I'm wearing a kiss the cook apron cause I forgot to take it off after burning the home cooked box of hamburger helper that was for dinner....seems like the American Dream is more like a nightmare....

What do I want then....I want to repent of this and I want to find a new way of dreaming.

As Derek Webb sings;
Oh I repent
For the way I believe that I am living right
By trading sins for others thar are easier to hide.

Oh I repent of
Caring more of what they think
than what I know of what we need.
Of domesticating you to look just like me...

Oh I am wrong and of these things
I repent...

2006-02-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

Who am I?

Do you ever get a glimpse of how people view you? Or I should say, how you think they view you? I've always heard that what you think people think of you is never true. I found out in college on my soccer team that this one girl was so intimidated by me. I was shocked, "ME?!" why would anyone be intimidated by me?

Today I started thinking about my girlfriends from college and some events that have taken place in the last year or so. I spent sometime with them a few weeks ago..and enjoyed every moment except THE moment...when I think I got a glimpse of what I think they think of me.

After that weekend my confidence fell through the floor. Today I festered about it, thinking, is that what all people think of me? To top it off my husband and I had a conversation last night that was an honest look at how I had been acting lately and it hurt as well.

I guess my pondering on this subject led me to think about how much your words matter. My words have hurt some people lately. My words say who I am. Today, I thought about how much I didn't want to be those words.

How do you reconcile this? Do you apologize and try to explain that those words are not who I really feel like I am in my heart? How do you fix it? The damage is done. It will never be the same. Pride always gets in the way....

sometimes I just don't like who I am....

2006-02-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

So, I'm finally stepping into the world of blogging. To be honest, the reason why I have stayed away so long is that I am not confident in my own writing. But here I am and I think my purpose for starting my blog is to be able to spew out the feelings and frustrations I have inside of me. So often my thoughts and feelings come out as a jumbled mess, making no sense. Maybe this will help...maybe it won't...but its worth a try, even if it is just therapy.

My next thought on blogging is...who do I "let in" to my little confused mubojumbo world of writing? I have to be honest, I have day dreams that thousands of people will read my blog every day, saying, "wow! walkon 2006 has it all figured out..and how profound, man I wish I could write like walkon2006". AH yes, the day dreams in my head. They are wonderful in the middle of the day as I stare at my computer, waiting for 5pm to roll around. But then reality hits when I read comments on other peoples blogs (Like Brian McLaren's) wherecommentors say all sorts of nasty things and such. My day dream fades into a long list of curse words for the responses to my daydream blog. I think I'll stick to therapy.

So now that I've determined to be a "nobody" blogger, if you are 'let in" to my blog, I hope that you see a real person, with real issues, a life that is f'd up (Erin...you'll appreciate that phrase), but one where I try to live by the following:

"Even in my most skeptical moments, I now know I am not safe from God entering my life. Even in times of great faith, I have to admit that I do not have absolute Godlike certainty about anything. I am just a person staking his/her life on the best thing he/she can find. Perhaps I cannot be certain, but I am sure enough to live my life by this, and even call others to come along. " (Neil Livingstone)

2006-02-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Hello this is my first BLOG! Welcome to my world!