My Hope

Recently I have been going through doubt after doubt, question after question. What is it that I believe? How can I truly believe this or that? Why is it so hard? I asked Eric the other night..."What do you truly believe about Jesus?" My question had been simmering in my head for a while, looking for an answer, looking for a hope. I'm doubtful these days, wandering in a land very foreign to me. But I have enjoyed that new land. I'm learning things about myself, about the thoughts within me, about the Universe, about how to not identify myself with my egoic thoughts. I like it. It stretches me though and takes me to places I have not been. Some would say it is dangerous, that I am playing with fire. But I find a peace within myself that I have never known. I find that just because it is not labeled Jesus, doesn't mean it isn't the presence of Peace that passes all understanding.

I come back to the question of what I believe. I listened this morning to a sermon by Rob Bell. It was the Easter service and the talk was on the resurrection. Resurrection is something I am not understanding these days, doubt has crept in and skepticism. Bell spoke beautifully on the subject. Here are some paraphrases:


History is heading somewhere
God will not give up on you-The God who began the work of creation in the universe and in you will carry that out to completion.
There are brief moments when the Universe is good-glimpses of what is to come
Resurrection is about hope- no matter how bad it gets - even this at some point is going to change

Resurrection is the belief that no matter how bad or how dark or how long it has been since you have seen anything on the horizon...it is the belief that at some point you will see land. All of creation will see land.

It is the belief that God has not given up on this world. It is loved, it will be rescued, it will not be abandoned. I want to jump into a faith that no matter how bad things are, no matter how fragile, at least I will have hope. Resurrection says that there is always hope.

Resurrection is the belief that the impossible is possible.

Is your world view open or closed? Is it big enough to encompass the impossible? Does it leap into the biggest bucket full of hope that says this world is being redeemed, that the ugliness will be wiped away. Does it include a hope of change?

I have wondered the past few weeks why I still hold on to my faith. Why do I still bother to listen to sermon's or to pray? I found today what is making up the strong strand of hope that I am fastened to.

The strong strand includes a world view that encompasses the most beautiful things. Love, peace, joy, redemption, all things new-these are the things Jesus taught, these are the things being resurrected. I believe in this particular world view because I want to hope. I want to hope that it is possible that this world could be beautiful again. I will not let go of the Jesus story because it has a happy ending. I believe in Jesus because there is HOPE. I have questions, I have doubts, but I know now why I just will not let go...this story is for everyone, and everything here on earth, and that is something I want to believe in.

Pee in your pants laughter

Tonight as I relaxed and finally cleared my head to pray I asked for a really funny thing. It just felt right to ask for it. It was like it was what I was supposed to pray for tonight...pee-in-your-pants laughter. That's what I prayed for. It felt so right and true and was the only thing I really prayed for.

I think my most memorable are from my friendship with Heather. Specifically the times we would go sledding and she would fall on top of me..and we would die laughing...so fun. I did pee in my pants a couple of times...seriously.

Why is it hard for me lately to have that kind of laugh? What has happened? Do I not find things funny or joyful anymore?

What if my life was more full of pee-in-your-pants laughter? I think I would have a different outlook on life. Through the tears and the wet pants I think I could handle the daunting days at work and the struggles of figuring out what to do with my life. Don't you think it would somehow be better? I want that. I don't want to look back and just not be able to remember the last time I had a pee-in-your-pants laugh. Its sad really, the last time is a distant memory. So sad.

So I'll keep praying...

Agape

Love
How do we know we are truely loving? It seems lately that knowing what TRUE love, from your heart, is and feels like is a deep sorrow within me. We are reading Sex God by Rob Bell and one part talks about Agape. I've heard the word since I was a little girl, but somehow, after reading the chapter I am at a loss. Agape is the Love. The Love that doesn't ever stop. The Love that gives no matter what. The Love that is unconditional. A Love that I not only don't know how to give, but believe that I have not accepted either.

I don't know how to give it because it is hard to give. When things are hard for me I run or actually, maybe I stop running. I quit. I turn or I half ass it. It is so hard to love my mom right now. In fact I am angry and bitter at both of my parents. I think of Agape and I say, no way, this is too hard. Or take Eric. Wow! Do I love him so much. But sometimes, I find that the love I give him is conditional. During those times, he doesn't meet my expectations, and I am angry, bitter, frustrated and just want to stay away from him. I think about both of these instances the most when I here the word Agape. My parents, while I have issues, have loved me no matter what. My husband, he does know how to Agape. I;ve seen this first hand as I have treated him so badly sometimes and he still LOVES like you wouldn't believe.

Why am I so conditional?

Overall, I don't believe I have been able to accept Agape. I think its because I don't truely believe that I am good enough. I am constantly trying to find ways to do more, to be liked and accepted, and its like an addiction that affects every part of me. Maybe I am not able to accept Agape because I focus on the "conditional" things within my own life and it carries over to other people?

I'm desperate to know how to truely love, unselfishly, without condition.

More than I ever believed I could be

A good friend directed me towards a sermon at a local church here in State College. It was great....and I am encouraged that maybe I will be able to go back to church. Here is a quote from the sermon that I liked:

Bruce Stillman
"Quite frankly I am sick to death of ideals. I have so many ideals and I have been so frustrated by them.
I really don't care anymore. What I am looking for is a Savior. Not someone who will tell me just who I ought to be, but someone who will forgive me for who I really am.
And then with his very love, will enable me to be more than I ever believed I could be."

I am constantly reminded of Rob Bell's quote in his book Velvet Elvis:

"Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

I pray for belief and hope in the truth of these statements and for the TRUTH that is built in love that I may be on the path of pursuing who God has made me to be. A path that leads to give in love to this world, no matter how hard, that this world may see true LOVE.

Is there a yoke that is easy?

This month, I must say is labeled the hardship, depressed, troubled...whatever you want to call it month. I've felt depressed, alone, angry, all of those things. This time, not at God, but more so about my situation. The fall is so damn busy. I don't even have time to breath it seems.

As in my last post, all I think about is what I should be doing, how to change, what I can do better. My thoughts are consumed by this, but I have no time to do anything about it. Its crazy, stressful, and it doesn't make me the happiest person in the world. I looked back in my blog for last October and felt the same overwhelming during this time of year.

I read tonight in Matthew: "Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for I am gentle and humble in heart and I will give rest for your weary soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I read this tonight and immediately thought of my post at the beginning of the month. I thought of how stressed I feel about wanting to make changes and live a Christ centered life full of love on this earth...here and now. Just worrying about my own salvation was easy, this love thing is hard. So will someone please tell me how Christ's yoke is easy? Does it have something to do with being gentle and humble? Does that make the yoke easier? I'm just confused at the moment.

This is not easy. Our world is falling apart! The environment is collapsing, our culture is a throwup of consumerism, our government is a nightmare, no one loves, everyone hates, there is fear everywhere, no one wants to be around people who are different from them, we are success driven wasters, who only care about ourseleves. There...I said it...and I'm included in all of that.

Now I know that part of the reason why I am overwhelmed is because for some damn reason I feel that I have to take on all of those things. Why, supermeg probably, and I know that is a burden Christ did not intend me to carry.

But what about the stuff I am intended to carry? What about everyday worrying about the water I have wasted or all the trash I am throwing out, the gas I'm using, the things I'm not doing to lower my carbon footprint...all of which I believe are ways in which we are called to LOVE God's earth. But these are difficutl things. Our culture does not make doing any of these things easy. I have no community to be involved in to be doing this with other people and its a yoke that is just heavy right now.

What about loving my neighbors. This means loving the people at work that are aweful. This is not an easy burden. There is no lite yoke for some of the people I work with.

What about reaching out to the poor? I live in freaking white middle class state college. I've tried everywhere to find a place to get involved so that I can know the poor and not just ignore them. I've been turned away time and time again, OR i've never been given a return phone call or email. I mean...how do we live a life a justice with these kinds of things going on?

I do believe that there is a yoke that is lighter than the one I am carrying now, but I just don't understand how it can be? All of these issues, they are hard, much harder than worrying about my individual self. I know it was never garaunteed to be easy....but I just don't get the lite yoke....just don't get it right now.

Hardships

Last night I could not relax at all. I slept pretty peacefully, but before going to bed my mind was overwhelmed. My brain is pumping with all the issues of work, the things I need to get done for class, and in the time after that; how to spend it.

I felt so alone last night. I wanted a group to speak with so bad, but at the same time, discouraged because I have not found a place that I feel safe to share my thoughts, opinions, goals, and my fears. I'm reading Justice in the Burbs, a book which touches on the overall issues of how to live a life of Justice while being part of rich, white America. The book has some great thoughts and I am trying to grab on to them and begin adjusting my life style through things like working at the local homeless shelter, getting to know my neighbors, educating and acting on social justice and environmental issues, etc.

But last night I became so overwhelmed, so helpless, and again alone. Everything seemed so hard yesterday. I thought about scripture and considered these verses:

"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said. Acts 14:22
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? Hebrews 12:7
You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Revelations 2:3

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me.
John 14:1-3 (in Context) (Jesus)

All my life I don't think I really understood what hardships for Christ were (I don't think I've really experienced them now either). I think I always thought they were to make sure you surrounded your self with good Christian people, to find and be heavily involved with a church, to learn your theology and fight for what that doctrine says. To walk meant to make sure you were seen as a good Christian person and to be successful in this American life.

I was overwhelemed with emotion last night because I believe that hardships are much different now. Living a life of love is hard and taxing. Finding a way to be involved in God's Kingdom here and now is so much more complicated and certainly takes you out of your comfort zone. It is a much different thinking than just worrying about your own way into Heaven when you die...which is only half of the story.

I believe we are called to be change adjents. I found that implementing change at work is hard enough! People don't like it. When it comes to changing this world and tackling injustice...its so big, so overwhelming, so different to think about that as my purpose here on earth than just thinking about my own personal salvation. Part of me wants to go back to my former thinking because its easier and fits in with our culture.

My hope is that I walk on....

To church or not to church?

Finding a church home is not always easy. Eric and I spent the morning listening to a Rob Bell sermon and then reading some from "Justice in the Burbs" by Will and Lisa Sampson. We are both learning together how to live out Christ's justice as well as live where we live....rich, suburia. I am most scared of having kids and getting trapped in the suburan culture, which the Sampson's talk significantly about in their book. I don't want to try and keep up with the jones', but I want my kids to experience sports and be good at school, and I also want them to have a since of true justice and memories of helping other's in need. Sampson's book talks so much about how we get caught up with church responsibilities (bible studies, and other service to the church) that we end up having no time for Christ's justice in our own community. There is only so much time in the day. I already feel though that since we are taking a break from church that we are "not good christians". How much more pressure will we have once we have kids...to get involved at church...help out....give your time there...etc.

I hope the church is changing. I mean, I think that the church does a lot of wonderful things, but right now, I can't get past my usual thinking and my now cynical and distrusting feeling. I do want it to go away, but I'm also not ready to go back, nor do I feel safe. I hope that during this time I can find out what it means to walk in Christ's justice and to eventually find a balance between that truth and belonging to a community.